Jokes

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up…

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask…

Dan married a woman with an identical twin. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. “Tell the court why you want a divorce,” said the…

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered…

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When an old woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.…

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and…

There is that married couple and it was almost midnight. The husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water with an evil smile on his…

1. Dial 911 immediately. 2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years. 3. You mean there's something else to do? 4. Threaten…

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner…. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant…

At the Doctor's Clinic... Patient: Ooh! Doctor, when will this stomach ache go? Doctor: Don't worry, Just follow this prescription and you will get…

A man walks into a bar and says “I’m here to drink my troubles away!” “Well mister, you’ve come to the right place. Welcome” says the bartender, “What will it…

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, “I’m on this cruise to…

Three people want to get into heaven.St Nicholas is the gatekeeper. He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.The first person reaches…

I met an older woman at a bar last night.She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!I found myself thinking…

Fred, a waiter who had worked in a small restaurant for 53 years, passed away one night. His wife, Lois was heartbroken without him; she spent several days…

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, out of nothing poured a bag of dog sh*t on my carpet without asking my permission and said, “Sir, if this vacuum…

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such…

One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were in the Little Rock Wal-Mart…… they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.They each bought five tickets at a…

A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a…

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his…